After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
