WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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