Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
