can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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