I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
