The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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