Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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