yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
