I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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