sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
