I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
