no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
ttyl tear gas
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
