There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
