I didn't shave. On purpose
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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