I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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