It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
