I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
