i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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