you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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