you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
