if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
