He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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