I never want to see another naked old woman again.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
