im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
