There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
