i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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