Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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