someone owes me an orgasm
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
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