Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
