So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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