can u get pink eye on your cock?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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