I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
