better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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