u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
