I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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