I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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