maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
