I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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