i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
