its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
