I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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