Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
