I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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