We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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