I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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