I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Randomize
