The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
