Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
