im drinking this country out of the recession.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
