Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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