Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
this beer tastes like vomit already
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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